Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
