Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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