I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
