Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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