sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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