I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
