a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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