My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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