I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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