One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
