tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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