you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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