Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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