Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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