I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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