i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i think my cat just said my name.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
