Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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