I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
