bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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