I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
