she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
