dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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