they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
