Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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