he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
