found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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