My hair reeks of homosexuality.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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