Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
