Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
