omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
