What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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