i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize