so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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