I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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