i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
