God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
