Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
