We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
