The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
