then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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