did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
