I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
