Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
