dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
