Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
