True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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