Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
