Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Randomize
