we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
