i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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