i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
