I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I met the friendliest cop last night
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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