dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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