I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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