I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
