she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Enjoy the penises
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
