At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
