Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
