it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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