Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
